Some Thoughts on Being Silly by Sarah Axelson

"She waved at all the people on the trains & later, 

when she saw they didn't wave back, 

she started singing songs to herself & 

it went that way the whole day & 

she couldn't remember having a better time in her life." 

brian andreas

If I were a reality show and cameras followed me around all day I'd definitely be on the Soup as one of the crazy girls that Joel McHale (swoon) pokes fun at. Because I'm constantly doing little dance moves, laughing at seemingly nothing, talking to myself and singing at the top of my lungs. Sometimes I talk to myself (out loud of course) about how normal people don't do this sort of thing. And then I laugh at myself for talking to myself and then myself and I have a dance contest. Do you see the pattern here? And the thing is, I can't stop. Sometimes I think I ought to because then maybe I'd have a husband or I'd be more prone to save some money instead of spending it on coffee and music; because (the rationale goes) if I stopped doing these things I'd somehow be more mature and more serious and, well, better.

I've always been silly. I've always laughed easily and been awkward and lip-synched to songs in IHOP in order to make my friends giggle. But there's a struggle in this. There's often someone who gives me the eye and wishes I'd be quieter and less embarrassing. And over the years I've become that person. I tell myself to "calm down" and "sit quietly" and "be less obnoxious". But then Journey comes on the radio and I can't make my feet behave.

And this is the contradictory part of me. Although it is in me to be absolutely light-hearted and care free I'm often quite the opposite. I very easily go from laughing at my horrible off-key sing-a-long to crying over the lyrics of said sing-a-long to laughing about my crying. And this is honestly exhausting but more than that I've come to realize this is just me. It's not good or bad. It's not something that needs to be fixed or changed. It's not something I need to "work on". My sadness and my happiness coexist quite well together — if I'm overwhelmed by depression at any given moment I can take comfort in the fact that I'll be laughing in no time at all. I often feel like it would be so easy for me to fall off the edge into that dark spiral of sadness but, luckily, there always seems to be some sort of spring-loaded contraption that hurls me back up and helps me see the goodness. Because, geez, there's so much of it around. If you don't see it right away ask me - I probably laughed about it ten minutes ago.
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BIO
I'm a graphic designer currently living in Northern Illinois. I am easily amused, easily inspired and easily distracted. Some of my favorite distractions include coffee (and keep it comin'), music of all varieties, the inspiring world of blogs and any movie where people are stupid and in love (preferably at the same time). I curate some of these curiosities over at hellomydearblog.blogspot.com. Come say hi!